Will you take care of me?
by Belial1
Summary: *Complete* Yuki wants to push away Shuichi because he knows he'll just hurt the pink-haired (imp), but then Shuichi is the only one that can save Yuki from himself...
1. Night Ghosts

Disclaimer: Yeah, nothing and nobody but Yuki is mine. ehm, what? Are you saying that not even him is mine? T_T I know, I'm a shameless liar, but then, I wish he was mine '^_^ Anyway, I just write ff 'cause I love to, no other purposes.  
  
Note: What should I say about this fic? First of all I apologize, English isn't my mother tongue, so there might be English mistakes here and there. Don't get mad at me, if you find any, drop me a line and tell me.  
  
About the story: It's kind of a strange one, the basic plot isn't original, but then I only write really angsty fic, usually sad and twisted monologue, so nothing really happens, you'll read mostly thoughts. I've already written the second chapter, I just need to translate it (there won't be many, three probably).  
  
Obviously is Yuki POV, I wanted to show his fragility, his sadness, his humanity without going OOC, because as you'll read, what people (actually Shuichi) will see from the outside is the usual cold writer, but then we know (and our Shuichi does as well), that there's much more than that.  
  
I'll stop here, sorry I talk to much '^_^  
  
Will you take care of me?  
  
-Chapter one-  
  
Night ghosts  
  
It's 3a.m already and I keep on looking at the screen of my computer without going on with my novel. The bluish light that it emanates has almost hypnotized me, incapable of moving, of getting up and finally go to bed, incapable of even taking a cigarette from the packet on the table and light it.  
  
This night seems to burden on me with all the weight of my memories and my remorse. The darkness seems shattered only by the monitor, whose light does not, however, reach my soul that remains gloomy, so obscure that I fear it myself.  
  
A cough shakes me from the apathy I'm in, the sound of a well known voice that takes breaths drenched with sleep, he is the only person that seems to have the patience to have me around, patience I would denied. This noise makes my head move and I stand up finally. My legs are so heavy that every step I take seems to drug me down, my legs are overburdened by a too-much- time ignored weight, as well as the other fibres of my body that are, by now, consumed.  
  
His shocking-pink hair is scattered on the pillow, exhales that typical smell that I like to consider as home.  
  
I caress it gently, I do not want to wake him up, but instead of giving me relief, instead of making those night ghosts disappear, that touch terrorizes me and, once more, the panic takes over me, immobilizes me for a moment and freezes my heart.  
  
I need to go out, I need to breath fresh air and to put some order on my mind, even though it snows outside. The cold strikes me violently and I shudder, maybe it is the temperature, or maybe the thoughts of this night that keeps tormenting me: huge snowflakes fall from the sky almost dancing in the hands of the wind. I would have liked to be cherished by it as they were and then disappear once I had touched the ground, to be consoled by the cold and then melt away.  
  
I sit on the bench of the park where Shuichi usually sits, the stupid Shuichi, so cunning to have gained my heart without me noticing it, so tenacious to stand anything without giving in. And it's him I must leave, him that must go: I can't allow him to find me unprepared. I have to be the one to walk away from him to prevent him from abandoning me.  
  
I smile to the thought: There was an absurdity thread in such a dark night as well as in my fear that makes me want to leave, not to be left, that makes me want to be the one to decide anything because the surprise would annihilate me in first place.  
  
"Yuki, here where you were."  
  
That unexpected voice opens wide a passage through my thoughts, gets straight to the deepest part of me and something cracks, without me being able to do anything about it, and everything pours on my face and in an acute ache to the chest, that makes me almost scream.  
  
Don't look at me please, Shuichi, you would be ashamed of me, please, don't notice what I am saying to you through my pain, give me the time to pick up those pieces shattered and hide me again.  
  
"You must leave"  
  
As always, saying icy and aseptic sentences was so simple to seem, looking from the outside, they were natural...  
  
"I'm sorry Yuki, I did not want to bother you... I heard the door knock and heard you were going out... and I thought there was something wrong."  
  
"You must leave my house, go away" I said it again and it has to be like this. This time was simple, too, saying things I do not feel but that are necessary.  
  
However, what I am not able to get used to are those fragments in the eyes of my Shuichi, fragments of a soul that breaks: every time I treat him coldly, I see a big crack there, but tonight the crystal crushed.  
  
Don't look at me like that, don't think I want you to leave because I got bored, I could never do it because of it, I would never stop loving you, but at the same time I can't allow you to be at my side, to stifle slowly, to hobble every night, in tears. I cannot be left; I cannot be surprised because I would not even have the strength to die.  
  
This night of memories forces me to let you go.  
  
But your eyes do not understand and I see you quiver, I see your lips half- open and incredulous and I beg you to forget me... I am scared of disappearing, I am scared of dissolving in your memory and so I push you away before this can happen. I'm so scared of getting lost that the only thing I have left is my solitude.  
  
I stand up and I walk away from the bench, going home, I don't know if Shuichi is following me or not, it doesn't matter, I can't turn around and look at him, it wouldn't make sense. I would walk back to him, hug him and I would rebuild that soul, but then I know I would crush it again.  
  
I can't make people happy, I am not able to love and because of this, my pink-haired imp must go  
  
I already know everything, I know of his eyes, I know of his glance and try to remove him from my mind, as well as I try to shut down that part of me that cries somewhere in my soul.  
  
"Wait..." I hear you say but I keep on walking and I do not answer, it's too late.  
  
  
  
To be continued. 


	2. Nothing it what it seems

Note: Again, English isn't my mother tongue, so please, if you find any mistake (and there will be, probably), don't get mad at me ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: well, nothing belongs to me, it's just writing, no profit from it.  
  
Warning: if you like action ff. then don't read this one, this chapter (as the one before, actually '^_^) is just angst, depression and thoughts. I was listening to Massive Attack while writing it, if someone knows 'em, know what kind of music they play as well and why I come up with this stuff. Romanticism and angst will soon collide; this fic wasn't suppose to tell anything that was going on somewhere but in the characters' mind.  
  
This one is, as well as the other, from Yuki POV  
  
Will you take care of me?  
  
-Chapter two-  
  
Nothing is what it seems  
  
  
  
At home, I sit on the sofa, waiting for Shuichi to pick up his things. I sip my beer and wait, nothing more. I hear his voice, but it is just in my head because he is saying nothing. That's strange, I would have thought he'd shouted, cried, protested as usual, there was just silence instead. I feel his eyes on me, for a long, too long time, before he goes out of the room, he goes to the door and leaves, Hiro probably came to pick him up.  
  
I lie down on the bed and sink my thoughts in the pillows.  
  
He went away with no words, he didn't ask why, he didn't make any noise. And I didn't say goodbye to him, I didn't look at him in the eyes, I just needed him to disappear.  
  
Now I'm lying down on my bed, I don't know if it's night or day, the light doesn't come through the curtains of my room and I had spent too much time in this position to know what time it is.  
  
I can almost feel the weight of the air, it's hard for me to inhale it in my lungs and exhale it, it feels as if it was liquid. It stagnates in this room and dims my eyes that don't blink anymore. I just look at the ceiling, I fall asleep for some minutes and then wake up, and then sleep again, catatonic, without moving. And the time goes by and I am being dipped even more in this liquid air that suffocates me.  
  
Do I miss Shuichi?  
  
I don't know it, I don't dare asking it to me, I'm trying to interrupt any contact between my conscience and my emotions.  
  
Was I wrong?  
  
I do not know it either, in the end I know our relation wasn't healthy, but on the other hand I know there's nothing healthy in this dense oxygen; I know I could not keep on going on like this, always blaming myself for my pink-haired imp wounds, but I also know he never asked for anything, he just wanted to be close to me.  
  
What to do?  
  
I cannot answer this question either, I do not have strength in my legs anymore, nor voice in my throat, I do not have will to get up, I can't even be depressed anymore. I'm no longer and I don't have anything at all now, the time stopped here, in this room, and I stopped with it. Maybe Shuichi, when he walked out of home, took everything with him.  
  
I don't understand if my attitude is stupid or if I am right, and sometimes there's no difference between the two.  
  
I was the one who told him to go away, I was the one who said I didn't want him close to me anymore. It was for him and me at the same time, and this seemed to be right. But right now, that night doesn't seem so unbearable compared to the state of mind I'm now in, because he was here, and this seems stupid.  
  
Being alone is a simple thing to deal with, it means that you have nothing but yourself to think of... and yet why can't I stop thinking of him?  
  
Somebody that takes care of me, that embraces and cures me every time I break, that waits for me if I stop for a while, somebody strong enough not to be oppressed by me.  
  
Is he like that?  
  
The more natural answer would be no: A person that always cries, that lives for a kind word of mine and whose mood depends on me and on what I do, an immature fool that knows nothing about life.  
  
But I know this is only your surface because if I observe you closely, I see a person that is not scared of his feelings and declares them without being humiliated, that falls but that always gets up heedless of the shakes, that gets hurt, but that doesn't fear being in the storm because he will be never swept away.  
  
When you tell me you love me, why can't I answer?  
  
Because of my self-control?  
  
Because I am afraid that telling you what I feel for you will expose my real self and that this will, therefore, break definitively, without any hope to rebuild it, because I am not like you, I am scared of what I feel and shut it down. If I fell I would not rise, my wounds still bleed and I am not able to make them stop.  
  
Actually you are the strongest one, not me. Actually nothing is what it seems. Actually I love you and I pushed you away because of it this, but I would like you to take care of me now and everyday of my life.  
  
***  
  
  
  
The doorbell rings, I hear a key enter the lock and I wish it's not him  
  
"Hey what the hell are you doing?"  
  
That voice, my brother's voice gives me a big relief, strangely I am pleased to hear from him, unlike usual when I found him boring.  
  
And yet, the fact that wasn't Shuichi the one who came through that door, gives me a sense of extreme melancholy: has he forgotten about me already?  
  
"Shut up, my head hurts"  
  
"You're not in conditions to give orders, look at you, you look like shit and nobody has heard from you in five days"  
  
My brother's slang always bothers me a little, that children's way of his, of expressing himself, was irritating, when wasn't my imp to use it. How much my judgement capability is changed depending on who does some thing, is unbelievable ... I almost can't admit it myself.  
  
Five days... I didn't think so much time had passed by, but in the end I don't care, days or months, is there a sense in living them as I am now?  
  
"Tatsuha, leave me alone, trust me, it'd be better"  
  
  
  
"Everyone is looking for you, your editor is desperate, you have a dead line in a couple of days. Mika is freaking out... I asked Shuichi, but he didn't answer"  
  
  
  
"Don't ask him what he's not suppose to know, as you can evidently see, he's not living here anymore, so if you're done with your stupid ranting and questions, get lost now. Regarding my editor, speak to her, tell her I will not deliver the book when I have to, it's neither finished nor I intend to finish it. If she is not ok with that, she can just fire me and throw away my contract. she can do whatever she wants, I don't care"... I don't care about anything anymore.  
  
"I knew it... it had to have happened something with Shui."  
  
"Enough!" My voice was calm, but evidently Tatsuha understands to have reached the end of my tolerance. I move my finger pointing the door, the cigarette and beer that were in my hands are almost finished but I can't even recollect putting them in my mouth in the first place.  
  
  
  
I lock myself in the bathroom, under the shower, Tatsuha understood and stated the obvious, Shuichi was the problem. yeah as simple as that. the only thing I wanted to do now, was to close my eyes and die, to choke under water, and simply vanish. Nothing could have ever cured me now and I was too tired.  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued. 


	3. Alone

Me again '^_^ 

First thing first: Thanx a lot for the reviews, I really appreciated them… You are so nice :*** 

English hadn't become my first language in these days, so as always, there might be mistakes here and there, sorry for that… Actually, in this chapter, there's a bit of slang and it's British. London is were I lived for a while and learned bad words and stuff (hanging out with friends, that's how I messed up my polite English ''''''^_^), so I thought it was a better idea for me to use British slang and don't try to make up the American… Hopefully it won't be too weird to those who speak or who learnt American English. 

Disclaimer: No money, no Yuki (T_T), no Shuichi and no Gravitation, I own nothing (*sigh*)… 

_Will you take care of me? _

_Chapter three: Alone _

"Repulsive, you are sickening" 

"Yeah, I wonder why your music became that famous, it's hideous" 

"But your bird likes it" 

"Shut it, dumb-ass, you're here just 'cause you're huge, mate… and that bitch isn't my bird, I just fuck her once in a while" 

The alley where the three boys were and where they had dragged Shuichi was dark, it was late at night and last latecomers' noises were fading out. 

"What was a little punk doing, all by himself?" 

"What the…?" Shuichi was scared. Three guys, apparently with no reason, had forced him to follow them, but his mind was dizzy 'cause of the alcohol he drank, hazy eyes and he was still too drunk to stand up and run, he could barely move. He was just looking at those guys with growing fear. 

"C'mon guys, why did we take him here?" 

"Fucking 'ell, you're deaf... we talked about it in the car already" 

"Yeah, the boy here, is not just Bad Luck singer, but he's also a fag" 

"A dick sucker, so tonight we got to show him how to behave properly… " 

The night was icy, those guys were too close and Shuichi's solitude had cancelled any will from his heart. He shut his eyes, aware of what was going to happen, he said nothing anymore, there were no reasons for him to try and run away. 

"If we trash your beautiful girlish face, I won't have to stand your stupid songs anymore" 

Saying this, one of them kick Shuichi in the stomach, making him kneeling down to the ground 

"What the hell, you don't even do nothing? You're a prick" 

So those guys felt they had to show him life, they had to explain that man aren't suppose to be with man and that everything Shuichi represented was nauseating, heedless of the groans of pain and the red blood that was running out from his lips and wounds, they just raged on him. 

"He 's not worth it" one said, landing a last kick to Shuichi's body that was lying lifeless on the asphalt. 

They left him there, with torn clothes, blood that was running plentiful from the wounds. 

Only the tears that were coming out of his eyes were the proof he was still alive and then, a groan, before everything faded away in darkness 

"Yu ..... ki ..... h…help…." 

***** 

Yuki POV 

When I knew what happened I skipped a heartbeat, I didn't listen to the detail on the phone and I couldn't help not to run, my entire body was shouting as I rushed to the hospital.... Just the idea that Shuichi's body, as well as his soul, had been violated once more was driving me crazy. I wanted to see him, my stupid fears, my meaningless night ghosts had vanished after the phone call I had that night 

I run through the corridors, reckless of the nurse yelling at me, trying to stop me on one hand and on the other trying to get attention from me because they had recognised me. 

When I reached the door of his room I stopped my run, I was panting: my blood was pulsating in my ears, my entire body was shaking in pain. My mind was absorbed by something close to guilt, to eternal love, to fear and protection and I didn't know what do. 

I hesitated, before I touched the handle of the door with my fingers… 

And there I listened to that conversation that was balm for my heart, but a sharp blade at the same time, that stirred up eternal happiness and desolate despair in my soul. 

"Why… Just tell me why???" 

"Excuse me, sir, don't shout, the patient is still convalescent" 

"I'm sorry…" 

"Don't worry Hiro, I understand you're angry, but I can't see why you're so mad at Yuki, it's not his fault" 

"Why do you keep on defending him, why do you always deny such an obvious thing? When they found you, all you were doing was asking for his help… and he wasn't there" 

"He wasn't the one who beat me up…" 

"Stop it!!!! I don't know why I take all this. I know it wasn't him who beat you up, for god's sake, but you were drunk because of him; you were wandering at night all by yourself because of him; you didn't fight back because of him, because he took away from you the most beautiful thing that you had, with a simple gesture he took away your amazing will for living… 

It's his fault your face is emotionless; his fault you always cry and you don't laugh anymore ... and it's his faking fault we're talking about him now after you almost died!" 

My breath wasn't slowing down; I couldn't see people's expressions inside the room, but the burden of every single syllable, Hiro's truth and Shuichi's weak voice, were thundering in my ears. 

"But now I'm fine…" 

"But I was scared to see you die! Yuki is right on one thing, you're an idiot... what is that binds you to a person that doesn't want you, that pushes you away, takes you back whenever he likes and again, just tells you to leave as soon as he changes his mind and he gets bored?" 

"Are you asking me why I love Yuki so much?" 

"I don't think I can understand it…" 

Hiro voice was exasperated, I was, by now, inert, I didn't know if I should have kept on listening or not, but Shuichi spoke almost right away and those words kept me bound to the door. 

"How can you explain why or how you love someone? Are you able to explain why something is indispensable? What kind of sensation do you feel when you stop breathing or when the water of a warm bath cherishes you after a hard, cold day? Being they so pleasant and beautiful, essential, they do not have adequate words to be explained... and it was Yuki glance to have trapped me at first, so cold but so lonesome... and it's this loneliness that makes him silent, but not mute. I love Yuki because, with him, I feel protected, when he holds me close to him as well as when me yells at me, I know that I have nothing to fear because he takes care of me. I love the silence he gives me every time I speak too much, those dialogue that I can't have without my voice, but that, with him, I have in a thousand other ways. He has always taken me by hand and taught me to look at my dreams with different eyes and helped me to believe in them, he taught me to go far beyond the surface of emotions and people, and made me the custodian of the deepest secrets of his, he trusted me as no one before…He has taken care of me, in any facets of mine" 

I widened open my eyes, the voice of Shuichi was thundering in my ears and I wanted to wrap my arms around him, kiss him and stop time. For him. Touch his china skin and tell him I want him by my side forever and a day… But again, I was froze at the door, no muscle was moving, my brain seemed powerless over my body. 

Hiro's voice was a whisper, something in between comprehension and despair 

"And so, why are you alone then?" 

"Because he doesn't allow me to take care of him". 

To be continued… 


	4. Will you take care of me?

Finally I finished this mind-twisted-all-introspective-plenty-of-angst story, I really enjoyed writing it, it satisfies the part of me that loves writing about what goes on people's mind more that what happens around them. I might write on nothing, but I can't help looking deep into characters' personality. Thanks a lot for the reviews, it's nice to know that I'm not the only crazy one that appreciate angst and Yuki (*_*) ;D 

Talking of this chapter, it was a difficult one to write because on one hand I wanted it to be a little confused, Yuki is having a break down and it's his point of view, on the other hand though, I wanted to write something understandable... Hopefully I did a good job '^_^... 

Disclaimer: Same as usual, I write because I like it, no other purposes 

.............................................

_Will you take care of me?_

Chapter Four: 

_will you take care of me?_

I couldn't get in the room, and I walked home. Somewhere in my heart I was happy to know that Shuichi was fine, that he had Hiro close to him, somewhere else I was blaming myself for being such a coward. 

Happiness and Pain, was there a way to live without this dichotomy? 

Was there a place where I could actually choose whether to be happy or sad? 

I don't believe I'll ever find it, if there's one in the first place. 

What I seem to be able to do is just tear down broken pieces of diamonds that people give me as a gift, waste everything just because the more precious the gift is, the more I try to keep it close to my heart and the more it slips away. The most loved jewel was my pink-haired imp, fallen apart by now… 

I just couldn't get in the room, just couldn't see myself facing the situation. Every single sparkle of my will power had disappeared these days, and this is the part that I hate the most: I am forced to see what I actually am… and yet Shuichi loves this revolting part of me… 

… I don't think I deserve him, but then I need him so much… 

I'm at home again, doing nothing, thinking of nothing, pondering about death as the only, real solution for my soul. 

Sitting on my sofa I am wasting my last strength between a beer and a cigarette, and I hear a noise coming from outside the door. I can't even bother to see who it is, but as soon as I hear the steps in the hall, I know who came in and I froze: Shuichi. 

Wasn't him in the hospital? What day is it? How much time have I spent here in this position? 

I quiver, but I try not to make it obvious, I can't, I don't want to show it. Calm down and try to sound perfectly normal, be quiet and think… 

But as soon as I see him I'm sure I get paler than ever, I stare at him. 

He must interpret my stare as an angry one, I see that he tries to open his mouth to say something, but then no sound comes out. 

I look at him, he still has heavy bandages on him, bruises, probably he wasn't supposed to come out from the hospital, but then why is he here? 

Did Hiro see me there and told him? 

He walks towards me, but I can't hear his steps anymore, everything around me had faded away, blurring into dark. His eyes seem to blend perfectly with the atmosphere as he tries to look for answers inside me. 

I know exactly what I want to say, what will save me, but I'm so scared, I feel so paralysed that it seems as I'm watching the whole scene from the outside: a slow and hazy vision. 

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have come here…but Hiro told me you were at the hospital… I hoped so much to see you there, I was almost happy I was there, because I thought that maybe you were going to come. But you didn't come in…" 

The pain of his words is almost dense. 

"Why?" he asks, and this is what I waited for, a question that needs more than an answer, but again nothing. My mind screams and my brain speaks, but my mouth is shut. 

"Why can't you just say something?? Why do you hate me so much? Did you ever care?" He was yelling now, exasperated, crying in despair. 

Mute and annihilated, I am mute and annihilated. 

He comes closer, dipping his face in my chest and clutching his fists 

"Why can't I just be with you?? Don't I ought to have an answer? Am I so worthless not to deserve an explanation? Why do I love you so much and you don't even talk to me??" 

His voice is cracked, his sighs are getting so deep in me they are killing me. 

Bleeding, mute and annihilated still… 

He almost suffocates in frustration as he says "Ok, I won't disturb you anymore, I'll leave, sorry for bothering you so much… I'm just …" and then walks away. 

Please, I want to die now, I want my heart to stop beating if I can't stop him now. 

Please stop. 

Don't go. 

I can't talk. 

My throat is dry. 

He's about to leave the room and then … 

…He stops. I hadn't said a word, but he turns back. 

I don't know what happened, what made him come back until he touches my face: I am crying. 

It's like a big dam that, under water pressure, cracks. I feel his gentle hand on my skin and he touches my lips with his 

"If you cry I will never be able to give you up" 

And with these words the dam falls into pieces, allowing me to wrap my arms around him and kiss him deeper. I can inhale as if I hadn't breathed in the last days, I breath him as the most pure oxygen. 

Breaking the kiss I finally manage to put in words what had been locked in my soul for far too long 

"I'm not good at this, you know, my heart, my mind had been scattered, smashed into pieces and I don't seem to be able to pick them up and rebuild myself. I can't say what I would like, I can't ask you to put up with me. 

Whenever I walk alone, I'm lost, whenever I'm by myself I cry, whenever I'm among people I shiver, their loudness hurts my ears… You are always there for me, taking my hand and I'm lost no more, I feel consoled, I'm never scared because I feel your warmth, I can hide in your arms and listen to the sound of your love... 

I might be a good writer, but there are thoughts I can't put into sounds… 

I'm sorry, it's maybe not enough, maybe I should come up with something more appropriate, but I can't, I'm just so sorry for what I've done to you and what I will do because no matters how hard I try, I can't seem to function properly, my head is a mess and my fake existence crumbles whenever it's too dark out there…and you are my only light… 

…so please, will you take care of me?" 

I can feel his tears on my face, as I'm gently kissing the ear I just talked to. 

I'm scared of what it'll come next, not so sure he won't run away 

"I love you, Yuki, I love you so much it hurts. I'd do anything for you, and if you let me, I will cure you" 

Saying this he starts kissing me, little by little every inch of my skin, little by little every riddle of my soul and as he makes love to me, his mouth never moves away from me, he knows I need it as well as I need his breath on me, tonight and forever. 

As the night comes, he's laying in my arms, no words had been said since, I close my eyes: I know I had been saved and finally I smile. 

° Fine °


End file.
